Posts
In the shadows of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadows of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadows of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of the night
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
There's this website where you can send an e-mail to your future self (www.futureme.org)... right now you could write an e-mail that you wouldn't see again till the year 2037. I just found out yesterday that it works.
Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy
Child inside you there's a strength that lies
Don't let your soul get lonely
Child it's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
Cause walls will only crush you when they fall
they all fall
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
I tend to get drawn into a lot of my dad's interests. He has a way of convincing you that his idea is THE idea. I love asking critical questions so much because growing up, my dad would tell me what he thought about something and I'd want to dig deeper and see if his idea had any foundation. I'm pretty much a vegan because he talks about it a lot, and I have a hard time challenging the research he spurts out at me.
My dad has always told me to "maximize your strengths more than you minimize your weaknesses." And it makes sense, but I've always resisted this idea. I've spent (and probably wasted) most of my life trying to be my brother. I've always tried to be as focused, disciplined, efficient, and even as frugal as he is. But I'm just not wired that way. I need to be distracted. Everyday has to be different. Structure and routine suck the life out of me.
I came to my dad's office today to read for my classes, just to study in a different environment... and I rarely get in a nostalgiac, "let's bring up the warm, fuzzy memories" type of mood, but there's just something about my dad's office. It's always chaotic, with the "paper vomit" of a man with a million thoughts at once... but there's order too, if you move a stack of papers a couple feet away, he'll eventually turn the office upside down, franticaly asking where it went. And it's this environment that makes me think of his basement office in the house I grew up in, where I'd spend hours asking my dad questions about what he's read or learned, what he thought about my boyfriend or God or how pretty I was or... anything. And he'd always answer with something, he'd always engage, even if he was doing something else at the same time.
And I think that's why I like writing. It's my grown-up version of the conversations I used to have with my dad. This time I get to take a shot at the answers. I'm not sure I'm good at writing. But I know I'm drawn to it, I know I have to do it. I know how it makes me feel.
I only hate conclusions, I hate wrapping things up. Conclusions always sound too wordy, like you're trying to hang up the phone, but you don't want to be impolite.
Well... it was nice talking to ya.
You know, we really should talk more often.
And let's talk again sometime.
And don't forget to say hi to _____ for me.
Have a good one.
Okay.
(Dear God, I'm imprisoned by this conversation.
Please set me fr-)
All right.
Talk to ya later.
GOODBYE!!!
I was talking with my boyfriend the other day about beauty. He was telling me how he was talking to this beautiful woman once and she told him that she had many flaws. He didn't believe her, he couldn't see any flaws. But this is what women do, we see our flaws and we spend a lot of time trying to hide them.
A few months ago, I saw Caramel, a Lebonese film about women in a beauty salon. The film was filled with physically attractive women, but I thought Rose was the most beautiful. She just had this way about her. There's this scene where she's getting ready for a date with this older gentleman. Her hair is all done up and she has bright green eyeshadow on... and then something stops her in her tracks, makes her believe she's not good enough... and we have to suffer through this heartbreaking scene of her slowly removing her makeup. I was yelling "NO!" at the screen the first time I watched it.
I think after seeing that, I was convinced that I wouldn't make that mistake. I have no idea where I stand on the raw, physical beauty scale. Every once in a while a guy will ask me for my number at a gas station or a restaurant, so I figure I've got something to offer, but even then, I really don't know what translates to on a scale. I guess I just care more about what I do with what I have, and especially whether or not I have Rose's brand of beauty, b/c it really does shine through.
"A weed is no more than a flower in disguise,
Which is seen through at once, if love give a man eyes." - James Russell Lowell
...I think it's true.
I've decided this weekend I'm going to take some time and review the past year. Somehow, I think I'm going to be encouraged.
I've had quite a long journey in my battle with perfectionism, and this year I found some victory over it. I remember the moment it started. It was fourth grade. It was some sort of creative project we had to hand in, and I was pretty proud of my finished project. Until... this other girl in my class handed in something better. She had gone above and beyond, she used all different types of colored pencils, she had the coolest handwriting... and man did she get praised for it. Everybody kind of circled around her when she brought it in... I didn't like it... at all... So you can imagine me going home that day and spending hours making my handwriting look prettier, writing "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" over and over until that little writer's bump on my middle finger was pulsing. And this became my default mode. Whatever I did had to to be above and beyond 100%. In fourth grade, I'd consistently stay up until midnight, making sure my work was not only right and the best, but looked pretty too. It was exhausting, but it paid off. My teacher started praising my work, a couple of my essay tests were the "best she's ever seen"... and you can imagine my joy when she announced that to the whole class.
My "do better than best" attitude started to backfire around 8th grade, when we started getting papers and projects assigned to us like never before. There just weren't enough hours in the night to keep up. I was an 8th grade zombie, always late for school, always handing things in late, even lying about the reasons in order to get the better grade.
It's strange to look back and see how my spiritual journey coincides with this whole battle w/ perfectionism. Fourth grade was the first time I thought about the reality of death. I remember the first night I pictured myself in a grave, imagining how meaningless life would be if there were no heaven. I screamed... and told my parents it was a bad dream. By 8th grade I decided it was too crazy to believe in God, to believe in anything supernatural. I actually wanted to, because I thought it would be nice to have some hope, but I refused to believe in it just for the sake of having hope. I couldn't believe in something just because it made me feel better about dying.
That summer after 8th grade was a turning point. When I was laying in bed the last day of school, I prayed to a God I didn't believe in. I told him I felt like I was talking to the ceiling, I told him I felt foolish for even having a conversation with air, but then I begged him to make himself real, if he was there, to make himself come alive to me. I think I was half hoping for an angel to appear in my room and say "YES he's real!", but nothing like that happened of course. And yet, that summer, in his own way, he made himself real to me.
So anyway, through high school and my first set of college years, I tried every way I could think of to change myself. I failed in many different ways. In high school, I sought help from counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists... I think I saw 4 different ones over those four years, but I was so caught up in understanding the world and asking those big metaphysical questions, that I couldn't focus on what needed to be done each day. And I've spent too many college years jumping from one major to another, and always dropping out of classes when I wasn't meeting my own expectations.
And all this leads to about a year ago, when I was on Christmas break. I was feeling pretty defeated... I had dropped out of every single one of my courses in the previous semester. Once again, my spiritual journey was suffering... even though I had trusted in God for a long time, he still felt so distant to me. For a long time I believed that he had the power to transform me, but I had dealt with the same problem over and over again since fourth grade, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't change me. And so one night, I was sitting in my closet in the dark... for some reason when I'm alone in pitch black darkness, I feel like I'm most honest with myself. Anyway, I was thinking about my whole current situation, and I started sobbing. And I told God exactly what was on my mind. I started asking God why he wasn't changing me. I asked him what role I was supposed to play in changing myself. Maybe I was doing too much or too little, I wasn't sure. I asked him why he felt so far away, if he was doing this on purpose or if I was pushing him away. I told him how alone and helpless I felt. And once again, I begged him to be real to me again, to come closer, to show me he's not just a God who sets things in motion, but a God who wants to be active and present in my life. And once I had vocalized all my frustrations, I just sat there in the dark for a while. And eventually I walked out of that closet so calm that I was smiling to myself. It had been a while since I had been that open with God. And even though it still felt like he was in another universe, I knew he heard me, and that's all I needed in that moment.
So within that same week, I was introduced to some materials that help you review the past year, so you can make goals for the coming year. And as I went through those materials, I saw a startling pattern in that year. In the times that I was consistently reading the Bible, I found victories in my personal life. In the times that I would take a few weeks off (or more), those were my most failure-filled times. So my goal for 2008 was to "persevere." That was my anthem last year. I was resolved to stay focused on the Bible and not get side-tracked for weeks at a time. And I did pretty well. It wasn't a night and day change, but it was a huge step forward.
I kind of thought I was going to write about 2008 in this blog, but I've spent so much time setting the context, I better save that for another day. If you're here, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Writing kind of helps me sort out my thoughts and keep track of my journey. On my list of favorite things, somewhere near the top, is hearing other people's stories, especially how God has changed them, how he did something in their life that they couldn't do in their own power. It strengthens my faith, it gets me excited about the possibilities in my life and the life of my friends. So I hope my story can help you too.
so I realized I need to start writing here again. I usually write in a blog for a while and then I look back at stuff I wrote... and I realize that what I had to say wasn't as profound as I thought it was at the time. And I just delete the blog and start a new one. A few months ago I read some of my diaries from when I was like 12, and they made me laugh... I think when I'm 70ish I'll need some entertainment, so maybe I should stop deleting these things.
I like that this vox site has a button that just simply says "CREATE"... I think if my life had a remote control... "create" would be the big red button in the middle. Probably next to the "pause" button. I've always wanted a pause button. I remember one time I was so frustrated at how fast everyone moved and how slow I did in comparison that I actually took a clock off the wall and took out the batteries. As if that would do anything! Somehow it made me feel better though, maybe cuz it wasn't staring me in the face, that little moving "hand" that really should be called a finger and its little clicking noise wasn't reminding me that another second just passed me by and I just wasted it by thinking about it.
For a long time I've thought that the only voices you can learn from are those of non-fiction. Newspapers, documentaries, history books, essays, textbooks...
And I've wondered why we read stories. Is it just one of the many ways we escape reality for a while, like an alcohol addiction, just less destructive? Is there anything constructive in reading stories? Developing our imaginations? Becoming more literate? Is that all? If that's everything, then are these sufficient enough reasons to spend time there?
I used to think that's all there was to stories. And then I watched Atonement. Watching it was like putting my soul in a blender. It challenged me. And it made me start to think why I love fiction...
The thing I like about stories is that they are not a bunch of facts that can be challenged, although you can challenge the logic. They set their own facts so you concern yourself more with the ideas, the themes... you find new definitions for words like love and sacrifice, you wonder what these themes mean in reality, in this world's set of facts.
And I've also realized that good stories aren't just about taking you on a ride, about giving you that escape. Most romantic comedies, most little girls playing barbies (or to be current... bratz dolls?), most romance novels seem like emotional pornography... a cheap taste of the real thing.
I'm still trying to sort this out (so i'm sorry my thoughts aren't well-organized here), but the main thing I've learned is that good stories challenge you to think differently about universal themes and ideas. And whether the story is fiction or not, it's more alive than a definition.
The dictionary defines "humble" as "not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive", but a story defines "humble" as "[Jesus], being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!"
which one has more to say about humility?
I read this article from The Economist a few months ago about how the music industry will eventually move to handing out their songs for free, since that's what people demand. The downside is that we will be all the more exposed to excessive advertising. So I've been thinking about this... wondering how many other sectors will take this route, and what the implications will be. I've been wondering how frustrating it will be to attempt to avoid the stream of arbitrary true-or-not-true messages that will inevitably knock my door down. It's already started. If you are addicted to television or the internet, you can't avoid it.
Sometimes I just think about the amount of information I can access in a few clicks, and I wonder how people get grounded, how they decide what endures, out of all the bytes upon bytes, what information not only tells the truth, but is of any use. I'm pretty deeply grounded, and I get lost in it sometimes. I've learned it helps to find a quiet place with a blanket and a notebook and just write.
speaking of...
"There is a quiet place
Far from the rapid pace
Where God can soothe my troubled mind
Sheltered by tree and flow´r
There in my quiet hour
With Him my cares are left behind
Whether a garden small
Or on a mountain tall
New strength and courage there I find
Then from this quiet place
I go prepared to face
A new day with love for all mankind"
and of course...
i love how she takes her time... my favorite voices are when the singer holds back, knows how much is enough, knows how to build up to the soaring parts. Listening to a singer who overdoes it is like walking into a TJIFridays type of restaurant where the walls are so busy you can't tell what the paint color is. Give me more paint!
I used to go to a school called Cedarville University.
I go back and forth as to whether I liked the place or not... truth is, I liked the people. After my sophomore year, the president of the college retired after 25 years of service. And so in my junior year, along came a new president called Dr. Brown. Every weekday at Cedarville we were required to go to chapel, and most Mondays, the president of the university spoke to the students. A few months ago, I discovered a podcast of these lovely little monday talks. And today I listened to a short one where he listed some modern day proverbs (I do recognize the cheesiness and am surprised someone at some point in my life so far hasn't e-mail-forwarded me this list... it is possible tho...i delete e-mail forwards if the subject looks lame or "inspirational")...
"Things I have learned" © Kathy Kane Hansen (I found it online... Key: Dr. Brown shared the words in bold, I can especially relate to the words in red, and... both of us) I have learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I have learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I have learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I have learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts. I have learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I have learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I have learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I have learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I have learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I have learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I have learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I have learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I have learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I have learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I have learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I have learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I have learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I have learned that learning to forgive takes practice. I have learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I have learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I have learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I have learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I have learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I have learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I have learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I have learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I have learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I have learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I have learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I have learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I have learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I have learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I have learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I have learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I have learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I have learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I have learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I have learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I have learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I have learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I have learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I have learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I have learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I have learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. I have learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us. I have learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I have learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I have learned that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used. I have learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. ...so there ya go... maybe a few clichés, but good advice nonetheless!
